i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
