Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
