she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
