My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
