Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
