Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
