hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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