he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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