we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
