I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
