at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
