Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
