Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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