I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
