The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
