yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
