mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
