I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
