Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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