chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
