my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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