He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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