If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
