So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
