you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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