I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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