Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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