i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
