I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
