Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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