pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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