please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
