Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
