I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
