sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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