god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize