you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
