I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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