i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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