You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
