yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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