god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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