new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
