Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
