They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
