All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
