I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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