There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
