I skipped work to stalk him.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
