I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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