How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
