here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
