Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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