new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
