Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
