dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
