dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
