Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
