I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
