Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
