Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
