I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
